Introduction: Why Your Words Matter More Than You Think
As parents, we want our teens to be confident, resilient, and open to learning. But how often do we hear them say things like:
“I’m just bad at math.”
“I’ll never be good at sports.”
“Some people are just naturally talented, and I’m not one of them.”
These statements reflect a fixed mindset—the belief that intelligence, talent, and abilities are set in stone. Research by psychologist Carol Dweck (2006) shows that this mindset limits motivation, discourages effort, and makes teens more likely to give up when facing challenges.
In contrast, a growth mindset is the belief that skills and intelligence can be developed through effort, learning, and persistence. Neuroscience confirms this—brain plasticity research shows that the adolescent brain is actively rewiring itself, meaning that what teens focus on and practice becomes stronger (Siegel, 2014).
So, how can you help your teen build a growth mindset? It starts with what you say. Here are 10 science-backed phrases you can use to rewire their thinking and encourage resilience, motivation, and a love of learning.
1. “I love how you’re challenging yourself!”
Why it works: Praising effort and challenge, rather than ability, reinforces that learning happens through persistence.
Research says: When students were praised for effort instead of intelligence, they were more likely to choose harder tasks and persist longer (Dweck, 2006).
Try this: If your teen chooses a difficult project, praise their willingness to push their limits, not just the result.
2. “Struggling means your brain is growing!”
Why it works: This helps your teen reframe struggle as a sign of progress, not failure.
Research says: Neuroscientist Sarah-Jayne Blakemore (2018) found that the teenage brain undergoes significant neural pruning and rewiring, meaning effort literally strengthens connections in the brain.
Try this: If they’re frustrated with a subject, remind them that neurons that fire together, wire together—practice makes their brain stronger.
3. “You haven’t mastered it yet, but you’re on the right track.”
Why it works: Adding “yet” teaches teens that learning is a journey, not a fixed trait.
Research says: Yeager et al. (2019) found that when students were taught that intelligence is malleable, they were more likely to persist in difficult subjects.
Try this: When your teen says, “I’m bad at math,” counter with, “You’re not there yet, but you’re improving every time you practice.”
4. “What’s one thing you learned from that mistake?”
Why it works: Encouraging teens to analyze mistakes builds resilience and adaptability.
Research says: Students who reflected on their mistakes improved their learning outcomes more than those who ignored them (Mueller & Dweck, 2018).
Try this: Instead of saying, “It’s okay, you’ll do better next time,” ask, “What did this teach you?”
5. “Let’s reframe that negative thought.”
Why it works: Teaching teens how to reframe setbacks helps build emotional regulation and confidence.
Research says: Cognitive reappraisal—changing how we interpret a situation—has been shown to increase resilience and decrease stress (Gross, 2002).
Try this: If they say, “I’m terrible at this,” help them reframe it: “I’m still figuring this out, and that’s okay.”
6. “Hard things take time—what’s your next step?”
Why it works: Instead of focusing on instant success, this encourages long-term effort and problem-solving.
Research says: Grit and perseverance predict success more than IQ (Duckworth et al., 2007).
Try this: If they’re discouraged, help them break the task into smaller steps rather than seeing it as an impossible hurdle.
7. “Your brain is like a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets.”
Why it works: This normalizes effort as part of the learning process.
Research says: Brain plasticity studies show that effort-based learning strengthens neural pathways (Blakemore, 2018).
Try this: Compare learning to exercise—you don’t get strong from one workout, but from consistent training.
8. “Who can you ask for help or feedback?”
Why it works: It normalizes seeking help and teaches problem-solving instead of quitting.
Research says: Collaborative learning improves motivation and performance (Ryan & Deci, 2000).
Try this: If they’re stuck, instead of saying “Figure it out,” encourage them to ask a teacher, mentor, or peer for advice.
9. “What’s something you used to find hard but now do easily?”
Why it works: This reminds them that they’ve already overcome challenges before, so they can do it again.
Research says: Reflecting on past success builds self-efficacy and motivation (Bandura, 1997).
Try this: If they’re doubting themselves, ask them to recall something they once struggled with but now excel at.
10. “Progress matters more than perfection.”
Why it works: It shifts their focus from outcome to effort and growth.
Research says: Perfectionism is linked to anxiety, while focusing on progress increases motivation (Stoeber & Childs, 2010).
Try this: If they obsess over getting a perfect grade, remind them that consistent effort leads to improvement.
Final Thoughts: Small Changes, Big Impact
Helping your teen rewire their brain for a growth mindset doesn’t require huge changes—just small, consistent shifts in language. The words you choose shape how they see their abilities, failures, and potential.
Want to learn more?
Check out these expert resources:
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success – Carol Dweck (2006)
10-25: How to Motivate the New Generation – David Yeager (2024)
Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain – Daniel Siegel (2014)Which of these phrases do you already use with your teen? Share in the comments below!
